Powered by Blogger.

Just need space to write..

If you could see the struggle I have to start writing this you'd know how hard this is for me right now, to be honest I'm really struggling through life. Each day is the same with some abit duller or brighter than others. I haven't been blogging for some time now but I feel maybe now is the time to return to it, as it really served me well last time and helped me express myself. Now your not interested in a huge life update then skip this post and hopefully I'll post again soon if I feel like it again..sorry this is sounding so depressing and slow...

Anyway this year has been a big year for me as I've faced huge personal struggles from my autism & mental health to family & finding where I belong. This year started with me leaving the autistic special school I had been hardly attending since October 2016. It was for me, it just didn't suit me or my very complex needs. That was a big hit for me personally as so many professionals had told me that an autistic school was where I needed to be & it would sort things out..they were WRONG & writing this it's just hit me..it didn't work. I'm good academically but socially I am MORE than awkward. I don't even know how to start a conversation with someone my age.I just can't do it, it isn't at all natural. Now your probably reading this laughing to yourself but it's completely and utterly true..I as a 18 year old cannot have a conversation with a person. Damn..this is becoming harder to write! 

So since like January/February time I have been pretty isolated from people except my family. I cannot express enough how much my family means to me, they are my rock. I don't have any friends except my friends online like Mckenna, who lives in California..over the other side of the world as I live in the UK..so that's annoying with time zones but again I can't thank her enough if your reading this for being there for me when I need it most, you are a truly great best friend! 
Right my week goes like this..one day out with Nan and Grandad (who are the BEST!), going out food shopping with Mum, maybe doing some errands with Mum, push Mum into shopping for my impulsive buys & sleeping..mostly sleeping.

I'm going to go into my impulsive buys abit more but I know I will sound like a total spoilt bitch but I need to express this somewhere. I have this impulsive thinking, where I can wake up and think I need a PS4 today or that new toy at the Disney Store..or even I need to go to Disneyland Paris for a weekend to escape my life. Believe me whatever enters my head with not leave and stop nagging till something is done. I have been twice to Disneyland Paris on impulsive escape trips in the last 2 years. My parents had to buy me out of the blue £200 worth of My Little Pony trading cards from an American company called Enterplay as I felt I couldn't live without them. I do this because I'm sad & depressed with my life and these things give me that buzz & glimmer of happiness & hope.
 Yes it totally obscene and believe me if I could stop it I would, I sat in A&E for 13 hours with Mum because I couldn't stop wanting to go to Disneyland Paris..nothing great was done (as usual) but believe me if I could stop this impulse in me I would.

My autism has also got alot harder to handle over the past year, with my meltdowns becoming more stressful & frequent. I won't go into details on this as I think it's quite personal & private honestly, but yes these are autistic meltdowns and if you have autism or know some with autism, you might know what I talking about..

In better news..we did get a new puppy in September called Penny. She is a Blenheim Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and she is adorable! She is very naughty & cheeky but just perfect at the same time.

Right I think that's everything off my chest..so let's hope I can keep blogging and if you read this far CONGRATS! It was probably the most depressing boring blog ever but I needed to say these things. 
Thanks for reading :)

No comments